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Still Water Christian
Fellowship
COMMUNICATION COVENANT
Originally created by Rev. Ted and Ruth Brewer, Mediation Specialists, CB MissionNortheast; This covenant has been agreed upon, adapted and adopted by this church’s leadership in February of 2008. To download this document in "Word" (.doc) format click here.
Wise communication can bring growth to individuals, blessing to interpersonal relationships, unity to the church, hope to a dying world and glory to God. Promising to follow this covenant will help in building relationships and establishing trust.
Mishandled
communication is one of the greatest reasons that Christians are hindered in
their growth, estranged in their relationships and present a negative witness to
their watching world. We ask that our church leaders in all of our teams and
ministries study this biblically based communication covenant, make it their own
through discussion and adaptation, adopt it for use; that teach it to their
people and review it regularly. Each person should make, at the least, a verbal
promise to abide by this covenant. We recognize that we are not able to do this
without first looking to God and then asking for and receiving His grace.
If individuals and/or groups do not agree upon and follow a set
of biblically based communication principles, they will pay dearly in terms of
unhealthy conflict. It will sap their time and resources and damage their unity
and witness.
We
recommend that leaders follow the concept of widening circles of influence,
sharing these principles first with the staff, then the official board, then
other leaders and then the organization as a whole.
(15) “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. (16) But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’ [Deuteronomy 19:15]. (17) If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.”
(14) “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. (15) In-stead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. (16) From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.”
(29) “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (30) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (31) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (32) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
I. COMMUNICATION Covenant
In obedience to God’s Holy Word and commitment to
practicing biblical conflict resolution, I promise to follow the principle of
priorities. That is, my priorities are to glorify God, grow in Christ, serve
others, build harmony in the church (including preventing and resolving
unhealthy conflicts) and to help reach my world for Christ. Healthy conflicts
can include problems needing solutions and wisely handled disagreements that can
tune our relationships and organizational goals. Unhealthy conflicts include
hurtful disagreements, contests, fight or flight situations and intractable
disputes where the parties cannot seem to stop fighting. I will do as
A. First Step
I will not first share
the offense with another person. I am committed to restoring the relationship,
rather than seeking primarily to expose possible sin. I recognize most problems
with people are personality clashes, and I will try to understand their actions
based upon their perspective. I will prayerfully examine myself and take
responsibility for my contribution to the problem, removing any logs from my own
eye (Matthew 7:3-5). I will prayerfully seek to discern whether the offense is
so serious that it cannot be overlooked (Proverbs 19:11; 12:16; 15:18; 17:14,
20;
If the offense is too serious to
overlook, then I shall go, repeatedly if necessary, and talk to the offender in
an effort to resolve the matter personally and privately, having first confessed
my own wrongdoing to the Lord and as necessary, to others, including my offender
(1
I also promise that if I become aware that someone has been offended by me that I will immediately make an attempt to go to them for the purpose of reconciliation, even before they may choose to come to me. ( Mat.5:23-24 )
B. Second Step
If going to a person first alone does not resolve our differences, I promise to seek one or two neutral and mature individuals who will listen to each of our perspectives of the problem. This person/persons will hopefully be able to shed light on blind spots or areas we are unaware of where we need to grow so we can better glorify God.
I recognize that the “witness(es)” may reveal or say things I won’t like, but I will believe God is using him/her/them to help resolve the conflict, rather than take sides. The “witness(es)” must be a person or persons with deep spiritual wisdom and highly respected by all those involved. He/she/they may be members or officers of the organization, other respected Christians in the community, or trained mediators or arbitrators from a Christian conciliation ministry.
If
it becomes apparent that there is another individual or persons who have similar
issues to mine concerning my offender, I may bring them to meet with the
offender, or the neutral helpers may bring us to a meeting, remembering the
Scriptural principle expressed in Matthew 18:16 —“But
if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may
be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses;’” and Deuteronomy 19:15 —“One witness is not enough to
convict a man accused of any crime or offense he may have committed. A matter
must be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”
Warning !
I will not seek to find others who have also been offended, nor share my concerns with them prior to the meeting with my “offending brother.” If I need to go further and take one or two “witnesses,” the purpose is not to validate my hurt but rather to open my heart and mind to the possible needs I may have regarding my relationships with others.
I realize my friends may naturally listen to my concerns, but also take up my offense. I will, therefore, not cause them to become a party to a possible division and disharmony because of our friendship. Whenever I feel an urge to share the offense with my friends, I will pray and commune with God about my hurt.
C. Confronting Ministry Leaders
I believe in the scriptural
admonition not to rebuke a spiritual leader such as a Pastor, Elder or Deacon,
other than in grave matters of misconduct and open sin (“Do not entertain an
accusation against an elder unless it is brought by two or three witnesses”
If I have a problem with my ministry leader, I will go first alone to him or her. I will not share my concern with anyone. I will listen and try to understand their perspective of the problem. If I am not satisfied with their explanation and continue to have deep concern, I will ask their permission and counsel to find a “witness” who will listen to our conflict.
If the “witness” finds I have misunderstood the situation and should continue no further, I will trust God to complete His work in my life by casting my burden on the Lord and leaving it there. If the “witness” agrees with my concern and finds the ministry leader contributed to the dispute and the leader refuses to hear the “witness,” we will then find a group of two or three other “witnesses” who will hear the matter and determine what God is seeking to do through this conflict.
D. Third Step and Beyond
If the prayerful and
repeated efforts of going with one or two witnesses do not resolve the
dispute, and the other party remains unrepentant, then I will follow the next
step in
If the offending party is willfully unrepentant and intransigent, unwilling to admit his or her contribution to the difficulties and to begin to take steps towards resolution, then the leaders may pursue the next step of church discipline, telling the church members as a congregation of the matter and asking them to pray for the unrepentant person. If the person steadfastly refuses to repent and take steps towards change and resolution, then the church may have to treat him or her as an outsider (Matthew 18:17b). These steps must be followed according to agreed upon procedures by the denomination and/or local church for the purpose of loving and firm restoration of the unrepentant offender.
E. Commitment to Preserving Unity of the Group
If I continue to find fault with a ministry leader even though the “witnesses” believe either that he has not sinned against me or that he has sinned against me but is repentant, and if I believe that I cannot worship in “spirit and truth” with this ministry, I will seek to join another ministry rather than cause any conflict and disharmony. I am committed to pleasing God through resolving my conflicts, even if it means separating myself from the source of my irritations.
F. Responding to Negative Reports
Steps to take when someone comes with negative information about another person:
1. Gossip may be defined as: (1) revealing
or discussing personal information about others with people who are not part of
the problem or are not involved in the process of the solution, and (2) the
needless repetition of real or imaginary faults of one person to another person
who is not part of the problem or is not involved in the process of the
solution. (Proverbs 11:13; 16:28; 20:19; 17:9; 18:8; 26:20-22;
2. Slander may be defined as: one person
speaking words to another person that damage a third person’s reputation; these
words may be exaggerations of a person’s real faults, or may be finding fault
with their conduct or character. Even if it may be true or for the purpose of
prayer it will not be done. One may ask for prayer without giving details.
(Leviticus 19:16; Prov.30:10; Rom.1:29-30; 2Cor.12:20; 2Tim.3:3;
When someone comes to me and begins to share negative information about another person, I will stop them and say something like this:
“I can see you are feeling hurt
and upset.
“Would you be willing to go privately to speak
to him? I’d like to ask you next week how your meeting went.”
This offers accountability. Be careful not to listen to details
when you receive the report next week, unless and until you are hearing them in
the presence of the accused as a “witness”.
If they reply that the individual would not listen, or they are
afraid to go because of earlier rebuffs, you could say: “God will give you
strength and I’ll pray for you.” If they refuse to go, you could say:
“I believe so strongly that we
must follow
You can offer to go and possibly excuse yourself momentarily from the room. If you go with a person to help them in the “first step” you should first ask the other person if they will agree to that.
If the offender is unrepentant when confronted repeatedly by the individual, then follow further steps as described above (go with one or two witnesses, etc.)
Ultimate Goal
I commit myself to be spiritual rather than “normal” and supernatural rather than “natural” when it comes to solving my problems with others and/or their problems with me. I want God’s will and way to resolve my conflicts and I will do as the Bible teaches, regardless of my normal and natural feelings.
My ultimate goal is to glorify God through bearing much fruit, getting involved in ministry, avoiding and resolving unhealthy conflicts and helping to reach people for Christ.
I promise to abide by this covenant:
_____________________________________________________________________ Date _______________
Rev. Ted and Ruth Brewer; Mediation Specialists, CBMissionNortheast; Directors, New Peace Network
24 Maywood Drive, Nashua, NH 03064; Tel: 603-880-1799; renewal@newpeace.net; www.newpeace.net
Guidelines For Communicating and Speaking to One Another:
Say it in love. ( with compassion ): Prov.16:24; Eph.4:15; Php.2:1-5; ( Be kind, tenderhearted - Eph.4:32 )
Speak in sincerity and honesty: Ps.15:2; Prov.12:17; Zech.8:16
Say something good: Prov.10:20; 15:28; 16:21; 22:11; Lk.6:45; Eph.4:29; Php.4:8
Say what blesses and builds up:
Say it gently, so that it does not offend: Pr.15:1; 25:15
Mt.10:16; Col.4:6; 2Tim.2:24-25;
Say it with forethought & wisdom: Ps.37:30; Prov.10:13, 31; 25:11
Say it with restraint, under control: Ps.39:1; 141:3; Prov.15:28; 17:27; 21:23; 29:11
Say it when it is fitting, at the right time and place: Prov.10:32; 15:23; 25:11; 1Pet.3;15
Say it first with your lifestyle, be an example: Eph.5:15; Col.4:5; Php.1:27; 1Tim.4:12
Never speak in anger: Ps.64:3; Prov.26:21; Mt.5:22; Eph.4:31; Rom.3:14
Never say anything mean, intended to hurt: Ps.34:13; Mt.12:34-37; Jas.4:11; 1Pet.3:9
Don’t say more than you should, don’t say too much: Prov.10:19; 12:23; 13:3; 29:11; Eccl.10:11; Jas.1:26
Don’t be arrogant or self-righteous and speak down: Ps.12:3; Prov.8:12-13; Jer.13:15; 2Tim.3:1-5
Don’t say what is of a poor character, what is unfitting for a Christian: Pr.18:6-7; Eph.5:4-12; Jas.3:10-12
Don’t use any cursing, obscene, foul or filthy language: Ps.10:7; 59:12; Jas.3:5-10
Remember that we already have an “accuser”: Rev.12:10;
Try to be a person that does not complain, find fault and
“murmur”: Ex.16:2,7; Num.14:2; 16:11,41; 17:10; Lk.5:30; Jn.6:41-43; 12:3-8;